Thursday, October 7, 2010


When others long for the month of red Old Navy sweaters and green snickerdoodles, I long for the month where I get away hanging handcrafted corpse heads from the front porch and using bloody body parts as home decor. If it were up to me, skulls and crows would have permanent residency on the mantel. October also a time where I traditionally sit in front of the computer night after night watching horror movies and sipping tea.

I'm very particular about my horror movies and prefer ones that are truly scary and creep me out. The problem with that is Hollywood lacks original thought/imagination and those kind of movies rarely exist anymore. It's the same formula over and over again and more often than not, I'm left unsatisfied, insulted and want my 1.5 hours back. With that, here are a few reviews using my fool proof rating scale:

Good, Meh, Nope

Here's how my system breaks down:

Texas Chainsaw Massacre
One technique used over and over again is the "based off true events method". 98% of the time it didn't, even if it says it does, but don't hold that against the production team. It's effective. Ask yourself: would Texas Chain Massacre have been as good if it was based of a writer's imagination? The answer is no.
Rating: Good

Does the house need tidying? Was a goat sacrificed and suddenly all I can think about is eating a banana? What does a persimmon taste like? I may or may not have a debilitating mental disorder but regardless, these things incessantly come up during movie watching and the more horrible the movie is, the more frequent they come. The only reason I didn't get up and go for a 11 pm run is because I didn't have my proper shoes with me.
Rating: Nope, even if Mr. Galifianakis is in it

Satan is scary and you can't deny that. Mix in a story based on true events, graphic machete killings, Sean "the hobbit" Austin and Spanish dialogue and you got yourself a way decent horror movie. Good job!
Rating: Good and gory. I squealed!

28 Days Later
Fast zombies actually scare the crap out of me. This is one of the few movies that genuinely scared me so bad I picked the skin right off my thumbs. That and it's a Danny Boyle flick. ♥
Rating: Good

Cabin Fever
I'm a fan of Eli Roth mostly because Hostel was one of the sickest movies I've ever seen and I can't believe someone even came up with that story line. Cabin Fever is campy and nowhere near as disturbing and, quite frankly, wouldn't have even made an impression on me if it weren't for the ninja kick-flip PAAAANCAKES scene.
Rating: Meh but that scene is truly the most random thing ever and for that, I smile big

House of the Devil
This movie is a gem. I was totally fooled by the 80s setting, too. It actually came out in 2009. It has so much going for it: 1. Satanic worshipping 2. 80s setting and the clunkiest Walkman ever 3. "Based on true events" (although I don't buy it) 4. The female keeps her cool. I get really excited when a character can keep their shit together even in the most dire of situations. And this one does! She doesn't hesitate to fight back or stab people and even somehow manages to keep her tits in her shirt. And even though she slips a couple times, given the amount of blood shed, it would happen to the best of us so I don't hold it against her.
Rating: Good!

House of 1000 Corpses
I'm a fan of Rob Zombie's movies. They're gritty, modern, a little psychotic, have just the right amount of 70s/80s throwback to them and feature the best crew ever - Sid Haig, Bill Moseley and the lovely Sheri Moon. My fav is Devil's Rejects but this is a review about HofKC so I need to focus... This movie is a sort of a modern day shout out to Texas Chainsaw Massacre which I've already given a Good rating. If you need another reason to see it, Rainn Wilson as Fishboy.
Rating: Good

Paranormal Activity
I finally watched this one and I couldn't help but get pissed off all over again about that stupid Blair Witch movie. This movie is fine although it's really predictable and Micah is a bit of a douche. I got kinda annoyed that they never left the house, too. Personally, if a demon is chasing my ass, I'd rather be out in public with witnesses and the possibility of help rather than curled up, crying in bed. Sorry, but bedsheets don't have anti-demonic force fields. No matter high how their thread count may be. And one other thing, I grew up watching reality TV and can spot fake reality acting five miles away.
Rating: Because I fell for the Blair Witch hype and clearly have not got over it, Meh; although it's spooky at times and worth the watch.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Suck It Beaverton

I got my first speeding ticket last month. First. Ever. I've never even been pulled over before. It's really demoralizing and I've been in a pissy mood for a long time because of it.

I was coming back from Astoria where I had been volunteering for the Hood to Coast relay race. My time slot was 1:15am-5:45am. It was awful. Especially because I drove up there with another volunteer who I had never met and will not be disappointed if I never see her again. My original plan was to sleep in my car immediately following the volunteering but volunteer buddy insisted we drive back because she had to do kid stuff. But not before running 20 miles which she kept talking about doing. So, way too sleep deprived for my own good, I drove home. She however slept just fine in the passenger seat. Fast forward through two very long, silent hours, I drop her off in Beaverton. Fast forward again through me inadvertently missing my freeway exit back to Portland, driving on a road I've never been on before, it's 8:30am and I'm eastbound driving directly into the sun, I can't see anything, it's like I'm driving straight into God's arms, and suddenly paparazzi lights are all around me and I realize I've just driven by a speeding van. It was a fucking mess of a morning. I should probably just be thankful I didn't fall asleep at the wheel and die all together but I'm not.

I have a letter all written up contesting the fine and it sounds really good but I think I'm going to man up, pay the fine and do driving school.

So suck it Beaverton. After all I've given you, this is how you return the favor.

There's someone better out there for me.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

This one goes out to a coworker of mine. Everything it does makes me hate. The way it talks on the phone, the way it talks in general, the way it smells, drinks coffee, burps, eats. OH the eating habit. Every day with the nuts. A handful hastily thrown into a wide open mouth. It's the real reason I can't hear anymore. Because without my headphones drowning out the sound, I would go bitch-crazy and beat him to death with his bag of nuts. This is for you, squirrel boy.

Hello world. It's just another blogger with nothing to say.

Five years ago blogs were cool. Remember Homestarrunner and weff riddles? MMM, those were so good. Blogs were fresh, new, exciting. Not over saturated like they are today. I started this blog a few years ago as a way for my newly acquired dog to communicate his thoughts to the world but we've since become the two most unmotivated, lazy human beings in the house if not, at least on our street corner. Unfortunately, I've completely given up on Ozzy. As for me, well, there's still hope.